Sh*t my dad does:

You’ve probably heard of the guy who posts about the stuff his dad says, or as he calls it “Sh*t my Dad says”. He’s pretty damn funny. Well, I’ve decided to keep track of sh*t my dad does. They will undoubtedly include things he says, but what he does is just funnier than what he says.

Serve Yourself

In my house, dinner is a serve-yourself deal. There are, after all, only three of us. Dinner edibles are placed on the stove and all necessary utensils are close at hand. Some people go back for seconds. On this particular evening, Mum started to clean up the stove and picked up a pair of pincers, (you might call them tongs). They aren’t solid though, they are little more than thick pieces of wire shaped into squares at the ends. We use them for things like yellow beans so you don’t take the water they’re sitting in onto your plate. You definitely cannot pick up anything like mashed potatoes up with them, it won’t work because there are huge holes on the part you use to pick stuff up.

Mum said, “Why are there mashed potatoes on the pincers?”

I looked at Dad.

Dad looked at the table and said “They are really good mashed potatoes.”

The Case of the Ringing Phone

I called home from work one afternoon to ask Dad a question, and the phone rang and rang and rang and rang and…well you get the picture. Our answering machine picks up after 5 rings and we don’t have call waiting, so it was strange that the phone rang so many times. I hung up and called back, thinking perhaps I had misdialed. Nope, same deal, ring, ring,ring,ring….

When I got home I said to my Dad “Were you home around 2pm?” He said “Yes.” I said “Did the phone ring?” He said, “Yes, it was so strange. The phone in the computer room was ringing and the phone downstairs was ringing, but the phone in the kitchen wasn’t ringing!” I said “Did you think to, I don’t know, answer the phone?” He said “Why? You never call at 2 o’clock in the afternoon.”

A Tale of Cat Vomit

I walked barefoot into the kitchen one night to fill the foot tub with hot water to soak my feet. I stepped in cat puke on the floor. I also noticed it was on the kitchen counter. I said to my dad, who was sitting about 4metres away in the living room watching TV, “Unbelievable. For once, the cat didn’t throw up on the carpet!” Dad answered, “Oh yeah, I meant to clean that up.”

Take Note

Dad came home from running errands and said, “Did Fred call?” I said, “Yes. Did you see the note I taped to the phone?” He said, “Yes. Is there a message on the answering machine?” I said, “No Dad, that’s why I taped a note to the phone.”

Just A Foot

I walk from the living room on my way to the computer room holding my Easter chocolate rabbit. Dad says, “Can I have a piece?” I stop, give him the You-ARE-Crazy stare and say, “You have your own.” He says, “Well I just want a little piece, like a foot or something.” I take a few deep breaths, still glaring. I break off a piece the size of my thumbnail (even that was too big), and give it to him. Glaring. “Thanks,” he says “that’s all I wanted.” I’ve never been so close to telling my Dad to f*ck off before.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these tidbits. Honestly, I probably could have written them better, but I figure at this point I need to put something up here or else I’ll lose ambition! More to come. Every day there are ample possibilities in this category!